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So like an abusive boyfriend I’m back again with my usual apology post complete with an assurance that I really do love you and a hollow promise that it’ll never happen again.
Okay great now that that’s out of the way let’s catch up.
All of it got me thinking a lot about the complexity of nature: the delicate balance of ecosystems the relationship of predator and prey the synergy of thousands of species.
and more specifically how humans as a species simply don’t seem to fit in with everything else.
We seem to operate outside of and in conflict with the circle of life.
We were meant to be ape-like cavemen for hundreds of millions of years living in synergy with our environment and other species.
Taking only what we needed adapting to the earth instead of forcing the earth to adapt to us.
These disobedient astral travelers landed their spaceship in Africa busted out a space keg and got super wasted.
At the peak of their intoxication a curious female Australopithecus emerged from the jungle.
She was in heat and approached the aliens without fear.
Dares were inevitably made and in a fumbling two minutes of drunken inter-species lust the human race was born.
I’m working on a whole new religion based on this idea absolute truth.
After all it’s more plausible than a giant man in the sky creating the world in seven days.
2) I posted some tourist photos from my recent travels here in case anyone’s interested.
I also updated the playlist on the right side of the page and will do so again next week.
3) Since pop culture insists on continuing to play limbo with the bar of taste and no one seems to mind I’m going to start a regular new award - The Demonbaby Embarrassing New Low in Pop Culture Award.
The inaugural trophy goes to my old friends The Red Hot Chili Peppers for their latest musical flatulence “Hump de Bump.
” It might be the worst song/video combo attack in the history of music.
See if you can watch the whole thing without trying to tear your skin off.
I’ll take this opportunity to add that The Red Hot Chili Peppers are an utterly utterly shitty band and anyone still trying to cling to the idea that there’s anything good about them is an idiot.
Please RHCP fans watch that video and try - just try - to defend it.
Walking out of the cinema my initial reaction was “eh that was pretty mediocre ” but the more I thought about it the more I realized what a steaming turd of disappointment it actually was.
and the other ten percent lamenting how the coolest Spidey villain of all time now has the face and voice of the dweeb from That ’70’s Show.
Dear Sam Raimi: Please let me direct the next Spider-Man movie.
I’ll call it Spider-Man 4: Venom Kills Shit and it’ll be the best movie of all time.
Peter Parker douche that he is is stricken with grief and begins sobbing uncontrollably.
We cut away quickly alluding that Peter will be crying for at least a month and is no longer in the movie.
In the next scene thirty seconds into the film we see the new Venom - a giant slobbering monster who in no way shape or form resembles any member of the cast of That 70’s Show.
He rampages around the city destroying everything in sight and violently killing and maiming everyone.
He eats children whole and throws semi trucks at elderly people.
The military tries to stop him but all of their troops are in the middle east so they’re helpless against Venom’s awesome destructive powers.
His rampage goes on for well over an hour growing increasingly violent and horrific.
Conners in his laboratory where he finally turns into The Lizard and he starts eating his university students one by one.
His students all happen to be hot barely-legal girls in schoolgirl outfits but The Lizard can’t digest clothing so he has to rip the schoolgirl outfits off the girls one by one to prepare them for eating.
This goes on for another hour until Venom breaks into the room and attacks The Lizard.
Szalinski is at that very moment testing his new and improved growth machine.
Venom and The Lizard stumble into the machine’s powerful ray and Szalinski jumps in to try and stop them but he slips and accidentally kicks the lever on the machine that turns it up to “Super Duper Strength.
” The machine goes wild rattling and spraying sparks before a burst of light makes everything in the immediate area grow five hundred times larger and gives them super duper strength.
The rest of the movie is an epic battle royale between a giant lizard man a giant homicidal monster a giant hot naked girl and a giant mutated naked Rick Moranis with a penis the size of a bus.
The four giants do battle in New York City and destroy everything and everyone.
The battle rages on for two hours (extended to three hours in the DVD Special Edition Director’s Cut) ending in the complete decimation of the entire United States.
In the final scene the giants realize they should stop fighting and instead devote their energy to destroying every person on the planet and then use the combined scientific knowledge of Dr.
Conners and Wayne Szalinski to create a new race of giant reptile people.
The giant hot naked lesbian schoolgirl complains that she will be lonely in a world of giant reptile people so they agree to also create a race of giant hot naked lesbian schoolgirls.
After several hours of epic battles and the destruction of the entire world the giant hot naked lesbian schoolgirls have retreated to their base on Mars facing defeat at the hands of the giant lizard people.
Then in Spider-Man 6: Revenge Of The Robots the giant robot army grows self-aware (as robots always do) and retaliates against its giant hot naked lesbian schoolgirl masters.
The result is an epic battle resulting in robot domination and the enslavement of the giant hot naked lesbian schoolgirls.
A highly advanced race of aliens has traveled millions of light years to investigate the strange radiation their long-range sensors detected after the nuclear explosion of the earth.
They are met with aggression from the giant robots and the most epic of all battles begins between giant robots and giant space aliens.
Anyway I need to get back to work and trying to get my life in order (IRS if you’re reading this I promise I’m working on those 2006 taxes).
But as a fun little experiment I’m going to try doing what other bloggers do and post small frequent poorly-written updates for a while instead of large infrequent well-written updates.
Mostly because I just got back from Japan and like last time I have some weird shit to share.
Labels: embarrassing new low awards movies music photos random posted by Rob at 3:02 PM.
It’s called Idiocracy it’s hilarious and clever and if you’ve never heard of it before you’re not alone.
In Idiocracy Luke Wilson plays a desk clerk in the US Army and is chosen for a top secret military hibernation experiment particularly because he is stunningly average in every way.
In Judge’s future America the masses are braindead easily-amused mongoloids who exist only to satisfy their most basic urges.
They live amongst giant piles of garbage and speak an English language which been reduced to little more than a series of grunts.
They watch mindless television and are easily manipulated by marketing - they even wear disposable clothing which dispenses like tissues and is covered with advertisements.
The President pictured above is an Xtreme former wrestler/porn star voted into office because people thought he was cool.
Wilson’s protagonist a man of notably average intelligence in the year 2006 finds that in the future he is the smartest man in the world.
It’s absurdity that isn’t nearly as absurd as it should be.
Like Office Space its plot is silly and ultimately irrelevant but the clever social observations and comedic details are what shine through and make it really enjoyable.
It’s been criticized for stooping to exactly the sort of sophomoric potty humor that the people it’s lampooning would enjoy - but personally I think the satire sort of demands it.
The problem is that the film’s distributor the mighty FOX apparently doesn’t share my excitement about the movie.
Finished two years ago the film has been in distribution Hell because the studio simply wants nothing to do with it.
Ironically they gave up on the project because early test audiences of average moviegoers didn’t get the joke.
If anything that should have assured them the movie had succeeded.
But these are greedy out-of-touch movie studio execs we’re talking about here; so - presumably merely out of contractual obligation - they released it only in seven cities with no promotion whatsoever.
Mike Judge won’t even do any interviews about the movie in protest of FOX’s poor treatment.
And that tragically is why you haven’t heard of it and why pretty much no one will ever see it (read this Time article for more about the film’s demise).
” Mike Judge please leak the entire movie onto the internet.
Let it spread virally and show FOX they made a mistake.
If not we can only hope it gets released on DVD and becomes a cult hit the way Office Space did.
After seeing Idiocracy we came out of the theatre on a friday night and decided to take a walk up the street to see what was going on.
As we strolled up Cahuenga Blvd past the usual assortment of overhyped bars and clubs Hollywood felt more like a wasteland than ever before.
The streets were dirty and grotesque Hummers were cruising by blaring thumping hip-hop music while the crew of wiggers inside leaned out the windows and shouted boorishly at women on the streets.
Advertisements covered every surface most of them for cell phone ring tones upcoming pop albums and new sitcoms.
The similarities to what we had just seen in Idiocracy were uncanny.
It felt completely surreal as if we had somehow stepped out of the theatre and been transported into Mike Judge’s dismal future world.
Perhaps his only miscalculation in making the movie was thinking it would take 500 years for things to get so bad.
Anyway for now since you can’t go see Idiocracy you should definitely see Little Miss Sunshine if you haven’t already.
It’s a very funny and poignant black comedy that is all but guaranteed to put a smile on your face.
It’s kind of like a dark indie version of National Lampoon’s Vacation.
Although when I say “dark” I just mean there’s a lot of off-center humor - the movie actually has a lot of heart.
- See I managed to get through this whole entry without going off on a tangent about overpopulation and bad parenting and underpaid teachers and how you should have to have a permit to have children.
But I will say this: If you’re the type of person who says things like “I don’t think I’m going to ever have children I just couldn’t bring a child into a world like this one”.
If you are aware enough to say something like that then you are EXACTLY the type of person who should be having children.
Labels: movies special features posted by Rob at 5:49 PM.
They’ve traded in the magic and timelessness that made the classic Disney animated movies so great and instead pander to fads and disposable pop-culture references for attempts at humor.
If you like Roald Dahl or Tim Burton you’ll probably enjoy the movie’s morbid humor as much as I did.
Seriously the most fun I’ve had at the movies in a while.
And best of all it’s playing in 3D in certain theatres which I can’t recommend enough as it’s some of the best-looking 3D I’ve ever seen.
Scary Broken Peewee Herman Doll Yesterday my neighbors were having a moving sale which was a curious peek into their weird little world.
They had an odd assortment of mostly 1980’s-originating items like Nagel prints and cheap modernist furniture and Garfield window clingers.
But one item stood out as a shining gem amongst everything: A vintage talking Peewee Herman doll.
You know the kind where you pull the string and he says a variety of different Pewee signature phrases.
The neighbor lady lamented that the old doll’s voice box no longer functioned but walking back to my apartment I pulled the string just for the hell of it.
To my surprise the doll did talk but in a crackly distorted way that was downright scary.
I suddenly realized it was the perfect beginning of a horror movie which made me think that someone should do a remake of “Child’s Play” but with an evil Peewee Herman doll.
Enjoy: (here’s a direct link if the embedded one above doesn’t load) bitGenerations I love my Game Boy Micro.
Unfortunately with the immense popularity of the DS Nintendo’s support for the Game Boy is waning and I fear we’re not going to see many good new games come out for it.
Thankfully Nintendo of Japan has my back - they’ve just released bitGenerations a series of stylish ultra-simple Game Boy games that are strangely addictive and unlike anything else out there.
Since they’re only out in Japan you have to get them online but even as an import they’re only $25 each and they come in damn sexy packaging.
It’s surprisingly difficult and addictive and it’s incredibly cool-looking - graphic designers will appreciate the attractive retro simplicity of the graphics.
Or maybe it’s just that those pixelated lines remind me of an awful lot of another strangely familiar graphic element.
The Hot Diggity Dogger I don’t even like hot dogs that much but ever since I was given this ridiculous appliance I’ve been eating them almost daily.
You stick them in (you can cook two at a time) along with the bun and a minute later it pops them up cooked to perfection and yes even with the buns lightly toasted.
I know it doesn’t sound that exciting but hey I’ve been cooped up in my apartment for weeks doing work so it’s the little things that keep me going.
Next I might have to step it up a notch with the Corn Dog Fryer which apparently can deep fry ANYTHING.
TamLand Last but certainly not least is Tamar ’s new bizarre little world known as TamLand.
She always does these strange and funny drawings in her spare time so I told her she should scan them and make them into a website and thus the glory of TamLand was born.
Go and explore and be in awe of genius like this: Labels: movies special features video games posted by Rob at 3:38 PM.
gnolia Netvouz RawSugar Shadows Simpy Spurl Yahoo MyWeb Tuesday January 25 2005 I will never ever ever watch Napoleon fucking Dynamite.
If you are reading this right now there is a ninety percent chance that at some point over the past year - at least once - you have told someone: “You have to see Napoleon Dynamite.
Remember right after you saw it how utterly hilarious it was.
Remember how you and all of your friends talked about it for days and days recounting your favorite quotes and scenes.
I mean after all it was the BEST MOVIE EVER CREATED IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE right.
Do you also remember the strange sadness and overwhelming confusion you experienced when you encountered someone who - dare I say it - had not yet seen Napoleon Dynamite God’s Gift To Cinematic Comedy.
Who didn’t rush out to the theatres at the first signs of overwhelming buzz amongst early-twenties urban bohemian white people.
Who was living out their miserable days unenlightened by the orgasmic comic brilliance that is NAPOLEON DYNAMITE.
Certainly they must have just not heard HOW FUCKING AMAZINGLY GOOD THIS MOVIE IS.
” Now fair reader I would credit you with enough intellect to have figured out which side of the above dialogue I found myself on over and over again during 2004.
And why would I possibly have avoided THE FUNNIEST MOVIE EVER CONCEIVED BY MAN.
It didn’t look very funny - I mean that guy’s face alone pisses me off.
But indeed I had read numerous times that it well worth my time at the cinema and so I intended to give it a go.
Someone told me how Napoleon Dynamite was “SOOOOOOO FUNNY.
And then someone else told me that Napoleon Dynamite was “SOOOOOOO FUNNY.
That same day I was talking to someone else about movies.
It’s probably one of those “quirky” movies that you go into determined to enjoy because everyone else says it’s so good.
I hate the name I hate the main character I hate “VOTE FOR PEDRO” - whatever the fuck that means.
I hate seeing it listed (usually in capital letters followed by numerous exclamation marks) at the top of everybody’s favorite films list on their MySpace profiles.
So starting today I am standing up for the few and the proud who have refused to see Napoleon Dynamite.
I am officially making it WAY cooler to have NOT seen this movie.
So today I have founded a MySpace Group for the very very few of us - the elite if you will - who can still claim to be truly pure.
Please visit our site and read our mission statement and ask yourself if you’re cool enough to join.
Badge Of Honour to your MySpace profile: Labels: movies rants posted by Rob at 12:53 PM.
gnolia Netvouz RawSugar Shadows Simpy Spurl Yahoo MyWeb Monday August 02 2004 M.
Night Shyamalan’s “The Village” this weekend and I am feeling inspired to express my irritation.
But if you really insist on seeing it then don’t read this review because it will reveal plot points that you might want to be disappointed by on your own.
I don’t care how many fanboys soak their shorts over him or how swollen his ego has become the real honest truth is that M.
Night Shamalamadingdong has really only made one good film and that was “The Sixth Sense.
” It was a little bit slow but it had a great mood and great tension and a great ending.
Every other one of Shammy’s films has sucked a stinky nut.
Still Shammy has had enough great moments in his movies that I found myself rather looking forward to “The Village.
” And perhaps this is a case of poor marketing because it was quite frankly advertised as a monster movie so that’s what I went in hoping for.
In fact that is exactly what I was in the mood to see because there hasn’t been a good scary monster movie in a long time.
There’s a dumb fucking ending with a dumb fucking secret.
Two long slow hours of tedious exposition and approximately three scary moments adds up to an ending SO anticlimactic that it transcends the definition of the word.
Of course he’s set the bar so high that no film will ever qualify to win the award short of a new edit of “Citizen Kane” which ends before you find out who Rosebud is.
The suspenseful moments although painfully few and far between - are indeed scary.
I want big scary evil monsters that leap out of the shadows and kill people.
That drink the fucking blood of infants and rape women with phallic tentacles.
What I DON’T want is a director so concerned with plot twists that he forgets that they should be satisfying rather than irritating.
It’s called “The Village Of Scary Monsters Who Eat Babies And Kill People And Aren’t Guys In Suits.
” It’s rated X for scenes of graphic infant mutilation and violent tentacle rape and kittens exploding.
It starts out just like Shammy’s movie called “The Village” (minus the tard with the big nose) but it ends in a mindless bloodbath so horrifying that you are provided with vomit bags on the way in.
You can’t see it unless you bring a doctor’s statement that you don’t have high blood pressure or other heart conditions.
In fact it’s only playing on a TV in some guy’s basement in Thailand because it’s banned everywhere else.
Now would someone please recommend a good monster movie I can watch that will cleanse my palate of pretentious slop.
Labels: movies nerd humor rants posted by Rob at 1:19 AM.
gnolia Netvouz RawSugar Shadows Simpy Spurl Yahoo MyWeb Saturday May 15 2004 Obese Trailer Trash Violent Ass-Raping and The Keanu Reeves Honorary Wooden Acting Award.
I should start by mentioning that I love movies all kinds of movies - and generally I’m all up for the big Hollywood epic.
Vast landscapes sweeping orchestras storybook heroes impossibly poetic dialogue.
It’s the type of popcorn fun that movies were made for.
But with the success of “Lord Of The Rings ” everyone is trying to jump on the epic bandwagon.
Every egocentric filmmaker wants a piece of the glory and they’re all digging through the history books looking for an exotic new premise for their bloated self-indulgent masterpieces.
So now we’ve got an overload of epics which is bad because what helps make them epic in the start is that they’re only around every so often.
It’s meant to be quite an event like a movie you’re looking forward to for months.
Now there’s one every few weeks and most of them are shit.
So I went in to “Troy” with low expectations and they were met.
Maybe it wouldn’t have been as bad if I wasn’t in Hicksville USA also known as the wretchedly miserable suburbs of New Orleans Louisiana.
Rarely have I been to a geographic area where so consistently my movie-going experiences have been ruined by the other theatre patrons.
The atmosphere of an audience is what the cinema is all about.
However I also utterly despise from the bottom of my heart people who haven’t figured out the very basic concept of SHUTTING THE FUCK UP.
Which is more or less everyone down here in the dirty south.
So this time in Louisiana’s continuing efforts to ruin every movie I see I enjoyed the company of a tremendous beast of a woman who was sitting directly behind me.
She was a fucking cow absolutely massive and looked fresh out of the trailer park.
She was apparently by herself and sweaty rolls of lard were spilling off into the empty seats beside her.
From the very first second of the film she was launching a violent assault on her extra super size two gallon bag of heavily buttered popcorn.
I almost felt bad for the little kernels of popped corn they didn’t stand a fucking chance.
I was imaginging them all huddled together in their bag amongst them the bodies of those who had already drowned in the tidal wave of chemical butter topping she had poured on them.
I am not a fan of loud chewing noises and I am particularly not a fan of them when they’re louder then the film I’m making my best efforts to enjoy.
She was chomping away at it with her mouth wide open and it was so loud that it felt like she was inches away from me crunching her helpless popcorn directly into my inner ear.
I could practically feel her humid stinkbreath painting the side of my face with condensation.
But I dealt with it and after the initial popcorn assault she slowed down a bit as she got into the film and reduced her intake to a somehow more infuriating pace of one kernal at a time.
What made this unbearable was that every time she’d reach into the bag to pull out her next victim she would rustle it in a way that produced sound far louder than any paper bag should ever be able to make.
I mean you probably could have heard it from the back of the theatre and I was right the fuck in front of her.
Literally she must have been attempting to eat the bag from the bottom up because it sounded like she was burrowing her blubbery hand all the way to the bottom each time she dove in to retrieve a new kernel.
And after every few bites she would - somehow very loudly - wipe the salt and grease off of her fat fucking mouth WITH HER SHIRT and then grunt and wheeze a bit as if she was having trouble breathing.
Part of it is that I genuinely enjoy going to see films and it infuriates me when someone makes an effort to ruin it for me.
But the other - perhaps more significant part - is that a bad movie-going experience tears away at my faith in humanity.
It is absolutely beyond me on every level how anyone could be so ignorant rude selfish and utterly lacking in any sense of self restraint as to be noisy during a film.
It’s a basic concept we learn it in preschool: Quiet time.
7 200 seconds of restraining from voicing your every inane reaction to what you’re seeing on the screen.
You’re in a room full of other people who are trying to enjoy the film.
These are the people I presume who got sent to the corner a lot during quiet time because they simply couldn’t not talk.
It wasn’t something they could get their little pea-brained heads around.
It was inconceivable that for any length of time they were not allowed to try and draw attention to themselves.
For one miniscule portion of their life they had to concede to the idea that there are other people in the world besides them.
For once they had to not be the center of the universe.
So when this mentality manifests itself during a movie - particularly during a movie I’m excited to see - I’m a complete asshole about it.
” during a movie when someone on the opposite end of the theatre is talking.
I’m the guy who will complain to the theatre staff if a couple “SHUT THE FUCK UP.
I cannot stand having my experience ruined by some ignorant twat.
So as we approached thirty minutes into “Troy ” and fatty was still rustling away without so much as a second’s rest I finally snapped.
” And she looking back at me lowered her popcorn bag slowly to the ground the way a criminal would lower his weapon when surrounded by the cops.
My message was clear and she looked actually quite afraid of me.
I am thin and pale and metrosexual enough that you might on occasion mistake me for being gay.
However intrude upon my movie-going experience and I will become possessed by some form of unholy demon.
One of these days it’s going to get me stabbed or something.
Actually one of these days I’m going to make a members-only movie theatre.
If you’re accepted you will be treated to the biggest screen in the world with digital projection and the lights all the way out and the sound fucking cranked.
However there are rules at my theatre and when you sign up you’ll have to agree to the consequences of breaking these rules.
The main rule - the really important one - is that there will be ushers in the theatre at all times and they will be watching you.
If you make even the slightest bit of unnecessary noise.
If you’re one of those obnoxious fuckers who like to crunch on their ice one cube at a time when you’re done with your drink.
The ushers - who are large humorless tattooed men will drag you from your seat and up to the front of the theatre where everyone in the audience can heckle you while you are stripped naked.
Then your membership card will be torn up and stuffed down your throat and each of the massive ushers will have their way with you one at a time raping you violently in the arse in front of everyone.
And then when they’re done and you’re laying there naked and humiliated your ass all kinds of torn up and dripping with man goo the people in the front row spitting on your broken shell of a body.
But I’m convinced that ruling with an iron fist is the key to cinematic utopia.
But anyway even if lardass hadn’t been noisily gorging herself behind me and even if the projection hadn’t been inexcusably out of focus.
It was a long bloated hollow shell of a film so concerned with trying to be epic that it forgot to be a good movie.
He wins the Keanu Reeves Honorary Wooden Acting Award for 2004.
Don’t get me wrong Brad Pitt is a fine specimen of the male gender.
I’m not even gay and I would go fucking Roman on his chiseled ass something fierce and probably enjoy it more than most of the sexual experiences I’ve had with females.
But it takes more than perfect abs to carry a film and good fucking Lord is he terrible in this.
I’ve enjoyed him in other roles in the past where he didn’t have to stretch too far from what must be his real personality: A likable dumb guy.
But heroic Greek warrior he is not and talented actor he most definitely is not.
Labels: anecdotes movies rants posted by Rob at 3:45 AM.
gnolia Netvouz RawSugar Shadows Simpy Spurl Yahoo MyWeb Thursday December 18 2003 The Fellowship Of The Dorks I love going to big genre films on opening day and being amongst the hardest of hardcore nerds.
Gandalf meanwhile is looking more like Moses as a janitor.
The guy in the back with no discernable Middle Earth attire was holding a pair of plastic lightsabers.
Apparently he thought he was coming to see “Return Of The Jedi.
” And sadly I didn’t get a picture of Gimly the bearded dwarf as played by a freckly fat kid with a cardboard helmet and what looked like a raccoon tail taped onto his face.
But my favorite by far is Legolas the hunky questionably heterosexual blonde-haired elf warrior recreated here by way of a kid in a Robin Hood costume with A MOP ON HIS HEAD.
Have a closer look: Goddamn I love going to the movies.
Labels: movies nerd humor random posted by Rob at 3:04 PM.
gnolia Netvouz RawSugar Shadows Simpy Spurl Yahoo MyWeb About Me: My name is Rob.
Film: The Bourne Ultimatum Games: Metroid Prime 3 (Wii) Film: The King Of Kong: A Fistful Of Quarters Books: Where’s My Jetpack.
: A Guide to the Amazing Science Fiction Future that Never Arrived Recent Posts: Weird Shit From Russia.
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